Well, here I am on the interwebs, doing something that I've been talking about doing for a while - a blog post! If you know me in real life, you know that I often come up with ideas that I get super excited about blogging / podcasting about... erm, but I never do end up doing anything about it.
Why, you ask? Well, I seem to be a pretty excellent procrastinator. I seem to have a pretty easy time finding excuses in order to not do the things that I know I should be doing. (Sound familiar?)
Well, I'm done with it. I'm ready to DO. To finish things. To put myself out there. To be vulnerable.
I want to share this journey - this process - to document progress, and to give myself accountability for doing what I say I'm going to do.
And in order to do that, I am going to complete a short blog post every day - to force myself to casually output, and not be so precious about each thing that I 'release' into the e-sphere.
So, tonight, I will simply share some of the things that I thought about tonight, and discussed with a dear friend.
Oh boy, this one's a doozy. Tonight the reminder was to not become attached to feelings of calm, blissful, centred-ness. I was discussing with my friend our experiences at the Solstice Festival last month... I spoke about how I felt so incredibly peaceful, in my element, powerful and calm while there - ready to take on the world and anything it threw at me, and so clear about my path. But since returning to the city, it's been very difficult for me to carry that centred-ness with me. I've become scattered and un-focused, feeling like I'm losing my sense of power and command of my life. Watching these negative thoughts float through my consciousness, and wondering why they are showing up, has been strange. Becoming overwhelmed by the amount of things I have to "do" and "accomplish"... feeling like there just aren't enough hours in a day... allowing myself to become taken over by worry and stress about things I cannot control... It's really distracted me from the present moment, and from enjoying the simple things in life. I am reminded to hold on to these beautiful glimpses of centred, calm power, let go of my attachment and craving for those feelings, and open myself to the present moment - to allow whatever it has to offer to unfold. As difficult as it is, these lower points seem to have just as many lessons as the high points - and I hope to learn to sink more into these moments, rather than wishing them away.
I'll be honest - I'm often the first one to become caught up in the idea of the view from the top of the mountain, rather than the journey up. For example - since I began my journey with the harp about one and a half years ago, I have often had moments of frustration - wishing I could learn faster, regretting starting so late in life, etc. In moments of clarity, I am reminded that the process is just as beautiful as the destination - in fact, the process is the most lovely part of it all, because it is this gorgeous uncertain blossoming of something we cannot yet imagine - something that doesn't even exist yet. I am determined to stay in awe of the process, enjoy the climb, and take my time.
My friend quoted another friend of ours tonight, on the topic of process: "We're not human beings; we're humans becoming." (David Phillips, or some of you may know him as 'Grateful Dave'.) What a beautiful reminder, that we are all floating through this life, constantly shifting and morphing, becoming more and more ourselves each day. I often get caught up in this idea that "one day, when I have my sh*% figured out, I'll feel (x) or (y), or do (z)"... A recurring lesson that continues to show up in my life is: we are all constantly trying to "figure it out". There are no answers; there are only more questions. So, why crave the answer when you can amuse yourself with more questions?
Well, those are my thoughts for tonight. I hope the meandering paths of my consciousness triggered some sort of helpful thoughts in your brain, or at least gave you some ideas or reminders to float around.
Oh, and, speaking of process - I will be sharing some songs tomorrow evening (Friday) from my upstairs' neighbours' living room, and there are a few spots left to come listen! If you'd like to hear my latest sound processes, some lovely poetry by Phil Kwon, and the songs of my good friend Gillian Stone, you can reserve your spot for the show here: https://artery.is/showcases/living_room_concertYjhJ
Much love to you all, and may you learn to love your process, and the processes of those surrounding your orbit!